Would you be caught humping this man's leg?
Mike Detwiler - aka, Debt Mikepiler, aka Hike Swetstiler, aka Ekim Wiledettler, aka The Detonator, aka, Krusty the Konsultant, aka Herschel the Hit Man, aka Muddie Mae Suggins - is a shadowy figure who lurks in the shadows where it's dark and penumbrae abound and the sun don't shine, kinda like Seattle or that place Ian threatened to shove the photographer's camera (wherever that was). He is known, or, worse yet, rumored, to be a close personal friend of Bill Gates; it is thought he was instrumental in the makeover Gates underwent about 5 years ago, the one that made Gates look slightly less girlishly-geeky, and made him look, instead, merely girlish, like Janet Reno minus roughly half the testosterone. Detwiler, it is believed (or it will be after enough foax read this), is the one who informed Gates that he really ought to get rid of those pastel-colored Spring clothes since he, Gates, is more of an Autumn, and anyway, the 80s are over and nobody's into the Miami Vice look anymore. (Incidentally, Martha Stewart agrees that Gates is more of an Autumn. So it's a good thing.)
Detwiler works for Consultants In America (CIA), a computer-consulting group unrelated to that other CIA (or so he claims), even though one of his other aliases is Agent Double-0. Just Double-0, nothing more: the guy's strictly binary, though I don't judge him for that, believing, as I do, that whatever goes on between two consenting adults is their own business, no matter how disgusting or how abominable in the eyes of God. Anyway, he's the only computer consultant I 've ever known who's been shot and stabbed multiple times while "consulting" with "computer companies" in Nicaragua, Panama, Chile, Alabama and other third world countries where they don't speak American and drinking the water is discouraged. Some of those "knife wounds", however, may have been from Gates's fingernails: Gates is known to be a scratcher (and a biter and a shrieker) and it is rumored he wasn't very happy with the makeover. He was particularly resistent to the idea that he was anything other than a Spring and he's convinced Windows NT makes his butt look fat. (Why wouldn't it? It's a pig amd makes everything it comes in contact with fat.) But nail scratches hurt, too, especially if they get infected, and keep in mind Gates's nails are constantly touching keyboards and mouses that are interfacing directly with variants of the Windows operating system. This is almost like thrusting your hand directly into a steaming pile of freshly-laid DOS.*Shudder!*
In case you were planning to, don't bother looking: You will not find Consultants In America in any phone directory - and for good reason: they can't afford a phone. Either that or security reasons. Maybe both.
Mike Detwiler: Women are drawn to him; men fear him; even the horniest dogs know better than to hump his leg. No, wait: Dogs fear him; men are drawn to him; and even the horniest women refuse to hump his leg. No, wait ... dogs, men and women, and his relationships with them, loom large in his legend, but I'm not sure exactly how, except that it involves fear, attraction and leg-humping, comma, NOT.Or something. In any case, critters of some kind are drawn to him; he is feared; and his leg remains unhumped. That much I know is right.
Wherever he goes, strange and inexplicable things happen. For instance, he went to the shore once and later on a guy in the vicinity fell off his bike. This guy had never fallen off his bike before. Now I'm not saying Detwiler somehow caused the guy to fall off his bike. I'm just saying it makes you think, is all.
Add it all up, and you'll begin to understand why the guy lurks in the background all the time and maybe we just better let him. Unless you're looking to have your leg severely humped.
