Ian is finally HOME!!
Look at that innocent, happy face...don't be fooled!
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Ian notices friend Zack has a toy he likes. Ian has his own
toy, but there's something special about Zack's...
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Ian takes a closer look..."It must be mine! I will
have it!"
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Ian makes his lightning-fast expansionist grab (Der
Blitz-Grab). At this point, Mommy noticed and intervened.
"No,no, Ian, mustn't bully those smaller than you!" But did
Ian learn his lesson?
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Ian figures, even though he was stopped by Mommy, and even
though he now has the very toy he was after (Zack was
given a new one), he has nonetheless succeeded in making
Zack his personal bee-yotch, and to prove it...
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...he goes in for the bite. Just because he can...
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"Wha...Wud I do....? So I bit him, was that wrong?
Should I not've done that? Hey, nobody told me—I
swear, I wasn't copied on that memo...!"
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Not captured on film, but Adrienne assures me it happened: Zack
whapped Ian a good one after Ian gave him the bite. Ian immediately
withdrew his troops to the perimeter. This is really the only way to
deal with aggression of this kind, with these mindless attempts at
territorial expansion: meet force with force. Pacifism will only take
you so far. Keep turning the other cheek and next thing you know you
got some big fat kid stealing your Gerber's and making you do his
laundry and sniff his farts.
The above action sequence would make a good movie. Maybe someone,
such as [Sarcasm Alert!!]...O, I
dunno...mebbe our good friend Sioux-zee Hoye (who did such great,
Industrial Light and Magic-like work on
Caelin "Hollywood" Hoye's Caelin's
Big Carnival Caper (it was definitely worth the wait!)) could
download the pix and string 'em together in some video software and
make them run as a quicktime movie. Sue wouldn't be daunted by the
fact that there are only 5 pix to work with to reconstruct the scene,
and that the main one, Zack's Revenge, is missing entirely: as proof,
I refer you once again to her triumph: Caelin's Big Carnival
Caper, starring Caelin
"Hollywood" Hoye. 'Nuff said. [end of sarcasm alert]
Back to the Top
Dr. Laura was Right!!
Librarians ARE Evil!!
And I have proof!!
In May, Sioux-zee, Matty and their little
boy, Caelin
"Hollywood" Hoye all came up here
for a visit. You know this already unless you've been skimming. If
you have been skimming, go back NOW and read about the Hoyes—it will deepen and
enrich your experience of this apocryphal story, like a narrative
Cremora. Or go HERE to read the lies they tell about themselves
(WARNING!! MY lies are better!) Go ahead.
The rest of the class will wait while we attempt to mainstream
you.
Welcome back. Took you a while. Do your lips
always move when you read...?
So anyroad, Dr. Laura, right.
Here's the proof. As I said above (no link
necessary, the words are two paragraphs above—just look up,
Cletus!), the Hoyes were all here for a visit recently. While they
were here, Adrienne, who is a children's librarian (boooooo!
Hissssss!!! We know about your radical liberal
agenda, thanks to good decent folk like "Dr" Laura and Lyndon
LaRouche!), showed little Hollywood Hoye a book on trucks. Caelin
liked it a lot. (He made noises about doing it as his next feature
film project if he could just get someone to do a script treatment on
spec. Hey, how 'bout, Mama, Caelin? She got your last project
finished so quickly...!)
He especially liked the dumptruck. He refers
to the book by that word now: dumptruck. When he
wants the book, that's what he asks for. Problem is, he can't quite
say the word right (he is, after all, not
quite 2—though he can play much younger,
if there are any producers out there reading this). (In Hollywood,
all of Caelin's lines are dubbed by that annoying little girl from
the Pepsi commercials.)
Instead of "dumptruck", he sez "dumbf**k".
[Sorry. This is normally a family page. But that's what he
says.Except he doesn't use asterisks.]
Which he did the other day,
evidently...in church: "Mama, dumbf**k!"
"Yes, Caelin, I agree, that was not one of
Rev. Lovejoy's better sermons, but it's not easy having to talk about
the same Book all the time...."
"Yes it is, Mama: Dumbf**k!"
Where did you learn that evil, evil word,
Young Heathen?
The children's librarian taught me!
Now, as a reference librarian, I can only
attempt to warp the minds of adults, many of whom
already listen to Dr Laura (whose show is transmitted straight into
their heads aided by the tin foil hat-antennae they wear); so they
know what I'm up to as one of the shock troops in the ALA's Grand
Scheme of World Domination. ("First, we get them addicted to Internet
Porn! Then, we sit back and wait as their feeble governments
inevitably crumble from excessive palm-hair growth, leaving an
administrative vacuum for us, as the most POWERFUL ORGANIZATION IN
THE WORLD, to fill!!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
All in favor, say,
'Bwah-ha-ha-ha-hah!'"--Direct quote from the Protocols of the Elders of The American Library
Association, Introduction. [the
resolution passed overwhelmingly.--ed.])
But Adrienne! As a kiddie librarian, she
gets to warp their minds while they're still mushy and ripe for the
warping! And what a job she's doing! I mean, do you think it is a
coincidence that Caelin's gone Hollywood? Or do I see the
influence of an immoral librarian
here?
Ian in his crib full of Occult and Masonic Symbols and
Emblems. "Who makes Steve Gutenberg A STAR? Weeee DO!"
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Marguerite tells a funny story. I'd repeat it, but it's
really the way she tells it that makes it funny...and
the hand gestures...
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No heathen, Ian makes sure he is seated in his highchair
when he decides to snack on raw fist.
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Sioux-zee inspects Ian's baldspot while Caelin offers his
ba-ba to the cameraman: "Want some, Dumbf**k?"
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Never, EVER give a baby a washcloth AND superglue.
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I can't stress this enough, people: NEVER!!
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Granma whispers to the Boy. Boy rolls eyes.
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Uncle Pete discovers Pop'n'Fresh giggles when you squeeze
him
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Mama smiles like an idiot while Ian gets surly for the
camera.
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Aunt Barb coos over the boy. We expect she'll be talking any
day now.
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Chairman Mao—in his Chair, Man!—waves to the
adoring multitude
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Ian goes for a swim with Dada. "How was the experience?"
"Dada-esque," sez the Boy.
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Ian faces a round-robin of questioning at the Gardner
kitchen table. He acquitted himself well.
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Ian is "in the nest" as they say in the Counihan household.
The Counihans are proud of their family lineage, which
evidently can be traced back to birds of some type.
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Ian tried out for the US Paratroopers and scored higher than
anyone in history. When told he would have to wear khaki
diapers, he told them to hit the bricks. "Fashion first!"
sez the Boy.
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"Ya know, ya could help me with this bottle! I'm only
6 months old! Geez!"
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Ian's Poem About His Typical Day Home
We walk through
the town and we see every sight
Daddy and doggie and me
We travel by day and never by night
Daddy and doggie and me
We travel by foot, and sometimes by car
We go in big circles but never too far
Don't know where we're going—just know where we are
Daddy and doggie and me
We visit the park where we ride on the swing
Daddy and doggie and me
And sometimes we dance and sometimes we sing
Daddy and doggie and me
And we look at the sky which is ever so blue
And we wonder out loud: "Now what should we do?"
And the others all wave as we walk out of view
Daddy and doggie and me
The people in Flemington think we're a sight
Daddy and doggie and me
And we laugh and we giggle with all of our might
Daddy and doggie and me
They don't know what they're missing when they stay at home
You've got to get up, go on outside and roam!
I'll tell you in prose or right here in this poem
'Bout Daddy and doggie and me.
The night time comes round, and we don't want to sleep
Daddy and doggie and me
So sometimes we squeal and collapse in a heap
Daddy and doggie and me
The day can't be over, we're still having fun!
Enough for three people (but too much for one!)
O, can't we go outside for just one more run—
Daddy and doggie and me?
But we can't fool the Sandman who covers the eyes
Of Daddy and doggie and me
With something that fills us with yawns and with sighs
Daddy and doggie and me
And fight as we will we can't overcome it
From the highest of heights now we finally plummet
But kisses from Mommy are worth it, dad-gummit!
For Daddy and doggie (and Mommy) and me
Little Lord Fauntleroy breastfeeds Elmo. Waddaya expect when
you put a BOY in a BLOUSE? He's gonna have gender issues,
people!!
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Hey Hoyes! Recognize the suit? That's right! Matty wore it
THREE times on last year's cruise...O, yeah, and Caelin
once.
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"Peace be with you, Brother..."
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Wow! Not only was Ian accepted into the Klan, he was made a
Grand Dragon! His was one vote for Buchanan that was
meant for Buchanan, you can bet on that!
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To The Ian Main Page
